


Protection Racket

by Barb Cummings (Rahirah)



Series: The Barbverse [32]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M, Humor, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-20
Updated: 2009-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-03 11:26:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahirah/pseuds/Barb%20Cummings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Our Heroes discover that if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protection Racket

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set in the same universe as _A Raising in the Sun_, _Necessary Evils_, et. al. (See the [Barbverse Timeline](http://sleepingjaguars.com/buffy/viewpage.php?page=timeline) for specifics.) It contains spoilers for previous works in the series.

Spike never tired of the taste of her, the heat, the musky perfume of her snatch. Cayenne and honey, his Slayer, brimstone and ambrosia. 'Course no pussy born tasted like that, not really, but what good was life if a bloke couldn't wax poetic now and again? And so far life was good - better than he remembered it being the first time around, anyhow. And if his coil was mortal now, well, that just added a bit of spice, didn't it? He'd never featured himself dying peacefully of old age. As long as he could get a sword and his dick up...

No problem with that last, not with Buffy Summers offering her pulsing, candy-pink clit up to him like the feast that it was. Droplets of sweat beaded in the valley between her breasts, each shuddering breath spilling salty diamonds down the slope of her belly. Her hips jerked against the punishing grip of his hands, her thighs quivered as she spread them wide to thrust against his mouth. Drove him wild, to see how wild he'd driven her. The wordless whimpers, the pleading eyes, her whole body begging for the touch of his hand, the caress of his tongue, the pleasure-pain of his fangs - his cock strained against his belly, hard and eager. All he could do to keep himself from spending then and there, but he wasn't certain yet what his limitations were, what with the heartbeat and all. Best not take chances. And talking of chances...

_Tear along one side of the foil, being sure not to rip the condom inside. Carefully remove the condom._

Spike's hand spidered across the top of the nightstand, bumping into a cluster of guttering candles and sending the alarm clock into a suicide dive. Hot wax spattered his knuckles and the alarm went off with a shrill _wheeeeeee!_. "Ow!" His questing fingers closed on the prize, and he sat up, fumbling with the tiny square of foil. The wrapper shredded in his grasp, and the little beige disk popped out and rolled into the sheets. _"Fuck!"_

Buffy lay back shuddering against the pillows. "That was the general idea," she gasped.

_Put the condom on when the penis is erect, before there is any contact between the penis and your partner's body._

Spike pawed frantically through the sheets. "Got you, you little bastard!" He held his latex nemesis aloft with a triumphant flourish. "More trouble than it's worth, you ask me." He flashed Buffy his most cajoling grin. "Still a demon, you know - heartbeat or no, the chances I could knock you up are slim and none."

"I have one word for you." Buffy extended one foot to admire her shell-pink toenails, not incidentally giving Spike a better view of what he was missing. "Connor."

_If the penis is uncircumcised, pull the foreskin back before putting on the condom._

Spike heaved a sigh and took himself in hand. "Right, then." Might as well make the best of it - put on a bit of a show for her. He gave her a tongue-curling grin, squeezing, stroking, easing his foreskin back, and was rewarded with the Slayer's rapt, bright-eyed attention.

_Squeeze the closed end of the condom between your forefinger and thumb and place the condom over the erect penis. Be sure that the roll is on the outside. _

He frowned, flipping the condom over. Which way was heads and which tails again?

"Oh, come on." Buffy sat up. "Don't tell me that William the Bloody, Vampire Sex God, doesn't know how to put on a condom."

"Been a hundred years and change since the vampire sex god needed one." Spike positioned the offending object on the head of his cock. Looked ridiculous. At least the lambskin version he'd put to occasional furtive use in his human days had come with a stylish blue ribbon. "It's never going to fit."

"According to the box, that's the right size. Either the advertiser is fibbing, or you are." Buffy propped her chin on her hands and observed the proceedings with interest. "Should you use some lube? Riley always put some lube on the - "

"You keep talking about your ex and we won't need one at all."

_While still squeezing the closed end, use your other hand to unroll the condom gently down the full length of the penis._

"Put the lip away, Mr. Pouty." Buffy placed a fingertip on his mouth. "Shall I give you a... helping hand?" The finger skimmed his chin and trailed down throat, chest, and belly, pausing as its owner raised a suggestive eyebrow. A low growl escaped him as she dipped lower, tracing the big vein on the underside of his cock, root to tip and down again, warm fingers unrolling the little ridge of latex in its wake. Buffy batted her lashes through a veil of tawny hair. "Mmmmm. It is a little... snug, isn't it?"

Spike strongly suspected that she was humoring him, but chose to take it as a compliment anyway. "All it has to do is cover the business end, right?"

_Make sure the condom stays in place during sex; if it rolls up, roll it back into place immediately._

Anything that came between his dick and her sweet warm pussy, Spike decided right off, was a bloody nuisance, but infinitely better than being denied access to said slice of heaven on earth for the time it'd take to pick the bloody pills up. Not that he was looking forward to that, either, given it was due to cut her monthlies down to a trickle, not a circumstance any sane vampire wanted to encourage, but at least he wouldn't have to worry about - "Bloody _hell!"_

_If the condom breaks or comes off, withdraw the penis and put on a new condom before intercourse continues._

"'salright," Buffy panted. "Just get a new one."

"Get a new one, she says..." Spike yanked the drawer of the nightstand open, flipping the contents arse over teakettle onto the floor. There! Unwrap, unroll, wash, rinse repeat - ah, that was more like it. In we go again.

"Ohhh..."

"You like that, Slayer?" he growled. "Got plenty more where that came from."

"Oh, God, oh, yeah, yeah yeah right like _that_ \- "

"Say please."

"Please, Spike - !"

"Say pretty, pretty please - oh, _Christ,_ Slayer! Fuck me, 'm gonna - "

"Gonna what? Gonna - oh! Oh, oh, oh, SPIKE!"

_Soon after ejaculation, withdraw the penis while it is still erect by holding the condom firmly in place. Remove the condom only when the penis is fully withdrawn._

"Spike."

Buffy's drowsy murmur barely registered as Spike snuggled in closer to his personal Slayer-shaped bedwarmer. "Mrrrrrrrrrrh."

_"Spike."_ Fingers poked him in delicate places.

Insatiable minx. God, he loved that about her. "Give us a minute, love." Three wasn't a bad number. Not up to his undead personal best, but quite respectable for a bloke with a pulse. He'd been a bit worried, truth to tell, that he wouldn't be able to keep up with her any longer, but if she'd worn him out good and proper, at least he'd returned the favor. And the longer those wanton little fingers wandered about his person, the better another go sounded. The sixty-second refractory period might be a thing of the past, but he could live with five minutes if Buffy could.

"Spike! You've got to change the... you know!"

_Keep both the penis and condom clear from contact with your partner's body._

Bollocks.

No lying blissfully buried in warm, musky Slayer-flesh until they were ready for round two. Spike rolled over with a groan, pulled out and slid the limp, gooey balloon of spunk off his half-hard cock. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "'s bloody unnatural, is what it is," he grumbled, as he chucked the remains into the trash.

"I think that sums up our entire love life nicely." Buffy leaned over with a sleepy, sated smile that did his heart (and his ego) worlds of good, and gave Little Spike a kiss. Little Spike perked up considerably under the attention. "Besides, it's tidier than getting it all over the sheets."

_Dispose of the used condom hygienically. Wrap the condom in a tissue and place it in a bin (do not flush it down the toilet)._

Spike grabbed another condom from the drawer and flopped back down beside her, scowling as he contemplated the innocuous foil packet. "So we go through this rigamarole every time we want a shag?"

"Mmm hm." Buffy nuzzled the head of his rapidly reviving cock and looked up at him, pouting just a little. "Was it that awful? We could always wait until my prescription comes in - "

Spike grinned and twirled the condom around one finger . "Don't be daft, love. Practice makes perfect, yeh? Figure up the hit to the household budget. We're going to be buying these things by the bloody _gross._"

END


End file.
